Examples of Cutting and Condensing
Here are some examples of shortening from my book Beyond the Dragon Portal, showing the small changes that got rid of superfluous words. (“Superfluous” is an excellent word; it means “extra.”) In all of these examples, the original meaning of the sentence is expressed more concisely. (I also love the word “concise;” it means “expressed without superfluous words.”) I am not claiming that any of these changes makes the book brilliant. But I will argue that making each sentence of your work as concise as possible will keep it moving zippily along.
1. “Yes,” said Xpql, “we’d see them coming, and watch them come to slaughter us with nowhere to go.”
Here, it’s easy to cut the redundant “we’d see them coming,” which adds nothing.
“Yes,” said Xpql, “we’d see them come to slaughter us, with nowhere to go.”
2. Sadie looked down at the pile of scarves and tried to imagine wearing them. “Thank you,” she said, finding her voice, “but I think I’ll keep mine. She looked down at the stained and tattered flannel of her pajamas, and felt ridiculous, but she knew herself, and knew she would feel even more outrageous arrayed in flowing scarves. “But thank you,” she said again. “They’re beautiful.”
This section just had too much detail for a little throw-away scene. All I needed to convey was that Sadie was going to keep her old pajamas.
Sadie looked down at the stained and tattered flannel of her pajamas, and felt ridiculous, but she knew herself, and knew she would feel even more outrageous arrayed in flowing scarves. “Thank you,” she said again. “But I think I’ll keep mine.”
3. And Sadie, laying her hand on the long shaft of the arrow, didn’t know what to do. And then she pulled her hand away, and touched the wood again, and finally, with the same half-bravery, half-foolhardiness with which she had climbed onto Mrs. Fitz Edna’s back in Phoebe’s bedroom, she grabbed the arrow and yanked it from the wound.
This section was intended to show Sadie’s hesitation, but I didn’t need to say “didn’t know what to do.” Instead I could show it by her touching the arrow and pulling her hand away.
Sadie laid her hand on the long shaft of the arrow and then pulled her hand away. Finally, with the same half-bravery, half-foolhardiness with which she had climbed onto Mrs. Fitz Edna’s back in Phoebe’s bedroom, she grabbed the arrow and yanked it from the wound.
4. From somewhere she remembered someone asking what sort of people kept unicorns as beasts of burden. With that uncomfortable thought, she shook her head. “Well, they need something to help them move around in the desert,” she said to herself.
What was important here was Sadie’s uncomfortableness; I could convey that in the single word “uncomfortably” rather than the eight word “With that uncomfortable thought, she shook her head.”
From somewhere she remembered someone asking what sort of people kept unicorns as beasts of burden. “Well, they need something to help them move around in the desert,” she said to herself uncomfortably.
5. “The Protector brought us night during the day. He blotted the hot sun from the sky, long enough for us all to see the holy darkness. It was an awesome sight. It was like a door rolling across the sun, shutting it out.”
Again, too much. The change below is snappier, but preserves the superior word “blot.”
“The Protector brought us night during the day. It was like a door rolling across the hot sun, blotting it out.”
6. It wasn’t just that they were speaking a different language, either; her ears simply could not make sense of the sounds they were making, as if those sounds could not even fit inside her human ears. Nevertheless, Sadie was pretty sure she understood what they were talking about. From the sorrowful expressions on the dragons’ faces, she guessed they were speaking of the destruction of the city....
Two changes here: one, the elimination of the unnecessary “she could not make sense of the sounds they were making,”which was pretty much the same idea as “those sounds could not even fit inside her human ears,” and two, eliminating the “Sadie was pretty sure she knew what they were talking about” which only served to tell us what we were about to hear. The revised sentences are much cleaner.
It wasn’t just that they were speaking a different language, either—it was as if those sounds could not even fit inside her human ears. Nevertheless, from the sorrowful expressions on the dragons’ faces, she guessed they were speaking of the destruction of the city....
Often whole paragraphs can be condensed:
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A) They had escaped the fire, but they were far from safe. As the river widened, its rapid pace slackened, and Sadie once again felt how very alone they were in the middle of that wide wasteland, and how vulnerable. Sodden, stiff, and bedraggled, they hauled themselves out of the river and gazed over the flat landscape. The fire burned behind them but the plain before them had nothing to burn. It was unlike the swamplands on the other side of the mountain: desert-like, desolate, dreary, lifeless as the moon. In the distance, to their left and to their right they could see two guard towers that had once looked over the river. As Xpql had feared, they were blackened by fire; there seemed no hope that anyone there was alive—except perhaps the Barbazion. “Should we go and look?” Sadie asked, looking at the smoking ruins, hoping the answer was no. “I can look from here,” Xpql responded. He hung his head. “The Barbazion have won. They have destroyed everything I’ve ever known—all the people I know are dead. There is nothing left to fight for.” (187 words). |
B) Sodden, stiff, and bedraggled, they hauled themselves out of the river and gazed over the flat landscape. Sadie gazed out over the plain, and saw that the only reason the fire wasn’t raging there, too, was because there was nothing there to burn. It was desolate, desert-like, and dreary. It was lifeless as the moon, and once more she felt how very alone they were in the middle of that wide wasteland, and how vulnerable. Xpql wasn’t even looking out over the desert, but staring at the smoking ruins far to the left and right of the river. “Those were the guard towers,” he said. “Now I know it is true. The Barbazion have won. They have destroyed everything I’ve ever known and loved. There is nothing left to fight for.” (131 words) |
Or:
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A) “Sadie!” he said, holding out something. “I found the totally perfect part for our robot!” “What robot?” “The robot we’re like going to make—I found the control panel in the garbage yesterday.” He held it out to Sadie: it was a panel of little switches that might have once belonged to a Laz-E-Boy recliner, labeled Head, Feet, Seat, Arms. “I didn’t know we were going to make a robot,” said Sadie. “Well, obviously we couldn’t, until I found this. You can’t make a robot before you have the control panel—it might run like totally amok.” |
B) “Sadie!” he said, holding out something. “I found the totally perfect control panel for the robot we’re going to make!” “I didn’t know we were going to make a robot,” said Sadie, examining the panel of little switches that might have once belonged to a Laz-E-Boy recliner, labeled Head, Feet, Seat, Arms. |